In the last A Day in the Life of a Sci-Fi Writer, I investigated the most common sentence structures. I offer a challenge and an example today.
The Challenge
The sample below is from a yet unpublished story I wrote in the early 1990s. I’ve done no serious editing of the manuscript since then. Editing, revision, and expansion of the story are on my “to-do list.” I suspect it will be part of my Traveler’s HOT L series if it ever morphs out of its binary code on my hard drive.
I’ve highlighted the introductory phrase in all sentences that have one. Read through the excerpt concentrating on how you feel as you read.
From The Man Who Turned Out the Stars
"Finally, ladies and gentlemen, we see the sky as it would appear in the Northern Hemisphere at the winter solstice. While many of the constellations we saw in autumn remain visible, there are some 'new' ones which have been below the horizon due to the tilt of the Earth on its axis..." The voice droned on pointing out features of the night sky with uncanny accuracy, if not the most interesting of deliveries.
At the end of the presentation, the narrator flipped off the projection lamp. The auditorium filled with darkness encroached upon only slightly by the greenish glow of the exit signs above the doorways which marked the four major compass points within the room.
After several seconds, there began a shuffling of feet as a general attitude of uncomfortable restlessness moved throughout the audience. For several additional seconds, the man allowed the people to stir and wonder. Finally, as a ripple of panic started its spread through the crowd, he brought the house lights up to normal brilliance.
The audience visibly relaxed as the light expelled the offending darkness. The narrator smiled an enigmatic little smile while he uttered his closing comment.
"Please exit through any of the marked doorways.”
End of the excerpt
Six of the eleven sentences begin with an introductory phrase followed by a comma. That will not be the case when/if this story goes to press.
I invite you to take a few minutes and consider how you would change some/all of these opening sentences. You might even copy/paste them into your word-processor and do some editing.
This following Aside acts as a ‘spacer’ between the suggested activity in bold red above and my edit that follows.
Aside
In an upcoming blog, , I include some commentary on misunderstood song lyrics. I heard a song on the radio the other day that brought to my mind another song lyric issue. I call this issue “What does this have to do with the song?”
I was listening to Andy Williams sing The Most Wonderful Time of the Year by George Wyle & Edward Pola. You might recall that:
There'll be parties for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
Marshmallows for toasting
And caroling out in the snow
These are events and items one might expect to be mentioned in a song titled as this one is.
Then comes the stanza that I wondered about for decades.
There'll be scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of the
Christmases long, long ago
And tales of the glories of the
Christmases long, long ago
Two questions haunted me.
- What do ghost stories, especially scary ones, have to do with Christmas?
- The Christmases in which years of long, long ago were particularly glorious?
I consider myself to be above average is spotting the obvious. Why it took me into my 5th or 6th decade of life to figure this out is still a mystery.
1. Ghost stories:
In A Christmas Carol by Charles Dickens, three ghosts visit Ebenezer Scrooge. At least two of those ethereal beings qualify as scary.
2. Tales of glory:
The very first Christmas is the one that finally registered. The text below is from the second chapter of the Gospel of Luke, quoted here from the New International Version of the Bible.
[T]he time came for the baby to be born, 7 and she [Mary] gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no guest room available for them.
8 And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9 An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10 But the angel said to them, “Do not be afraid. I bring you good news that will cause great joy for all the people.11 Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is the Messiah, the Lord. 12 This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger.”
13 Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying,
14 “Glory to God in the highest heaven,
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
and on earth peace to those on whom his favor rests.”
15 When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, “Let’s go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about.”
16 So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17 When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18 and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19 But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20 The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.
Problem solved!
Merry Christmas to you and yours!
And now, back to our regularly scheduled blogging . . .
My Solution - at least until I work on the whole story.
Here’s my edit of the story opening above the aside.
The edits I made are highlighted in yellow.
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The original text with common construction parts in bold.
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"Finally, ladies and gentlemen, we see the sky as it would appear in the Northern Hemisphere at the winter solstice. Many of the constellations we saw in autumn remain visible. Additional constellations that have been below the horizon due to the tilt of the Earth on its axis are visible as well." The voice droned on pointing out features of the night sky with uncanny accuracy, if not the most interesting of deliveries.
The presentation ended. The narrator flipped off the projection lamp. Darkness engulfed the auditorium. Four feeble greenish glows from exit signs above the doorways were all that kept blackness at bay.
After several seconds, a shuffling of feet as a general attitude of uncomfortable restlessness moved throughout the audience. The narrator allowed the people to stir and wonder if something was wrong for several additional seconds. Finally, as a ripple of panic started its spread through the crowd, he brought the house lights up to normal brilliance.
The audience visibly relaxed as the light expelled the offending darkness. The narrator smiled an enigmatic little smile while he uttered his closing comment.
"Please exit through any of the marked doorways.”
|
"Finally, ladies and gentlemen, we see the sky as it would appear in the Northern Hemisphere at the winter solstice. While many of the constellations we saw in autumn remain visible, there are some 'new' ones which have been below the horizon due to the tilt of the Earth on its axis..." The voice droned on pointing out features of the night sky with uncanny accuracy, if not the most interesting of deliveries.
At the end of the presentation, the narrator flipped off the projection lamp. The auditorium filled with darkness encroached upon only slightly by the greenish glow of the exit signs above the doorways which marked the four major compass points within the room.
After several seconds, there began a shuffling of feet as a general attitude of uncomfortable restlessness moved throughout the audience. For several additional seconds, the man allowed the people to stir and wonder. Finally, as a ripple of panic started its spread through the crowd, he brought the house lights up to normal brilliance.
The audience visibly relaxed as the light expelled the offending darkness. The narrator smiled an enigmatic little smile while he uttered his closing comment.
"Please exit through any of the marked doorways.”
|
Notice the decreased number of sentences beginning with an introductory clause followed by a comma and an increased number of short—simple—sentences in the edited version. Commentary on that strategy will be the focus of the next
Day in the Life of a Sci-Fi writer: Sentence Structure – Part 3: Keep It Simple, Sagacious Writer.
Look for it on January 10, 2017
Compare your editing ideas to my edit. Keep those ideas in mind for "next time."
Compare your editing ideas to my edit. Keep those ideas in mind for "next time."
Follow me on Twitter: @CRDowningAuthor
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