Back in the day, a fad swept at least my part of America. Known as Tom Swifties, each is "a play on words taking the form of a quotation ascribed to Tom and followed by an adverb. Here's a good example:
The thermostat is set too high," said Tom heatedly."
The blue text is quoted from https://www.merriam-webster.com/words-at-play/tom-swifties-puns-that-turn-adverbs-into-punchlines. Used in this manner, adverbs are an art form, particularly for those who love to pun.
There are times and places in your writing when an adverb does ADd to your story.
Most of the time, rather than adding what an author thinks they add, adverbs SUBTRACT from the storyline, distract readers, and might insult readers, too.
I'll be looking at the negatives of adverbs for four blogs in a row. Week four will close the door on adverbs with examples that I feel completely help the sentence.
Consider the following four sentences. Adverbs are highlighted in yellow.
11. The prisoner’s hands were clamped tightly to the bars of his cell.
12. The bicyclist pedaled carefully across the slightly bumpy road.
13. The teacher looked sharply at her students.
14. He laughed cheerily and looked at his watch.
There are only four sentences in this group.
Nevertheless, thanks to sentence #12, I've cleverly managed to end up with 15 adverbs in total to critique in the three posts on this topic, as advertized.
Nevertheless, thanks to sentence #12, I've cleverly managed to end up with 15 adverbs in total to critique in the three posts on this topic, as advertized.
Sentences like those above are common in the works of novice writers.
Unfortunately, they are common in the works of writers who edit less [vigorously] than they should.
Unfortunately, they are common in the works of writers who edit less [vigorously] than they should.
Why is that? Does the sentence above need [vigorously] to convey the thought?
I do often insert adverbs—intentionally and unintentionally—in my first drafts. When I do my first edit, I re-write scenes where the only way a reader might know that something was said “excitedly” is through the use of that term. Your story should draw your readers into the minds and moods of your characters.
From time to time during the next two months, I’ll revisit this topic. More than one book I’ve been asked to review has been mired in the pit of excessive adverbs. I lost interest in the stories because there were
- many times when I was told what I already knew or felt.
- other times when the adverb didn’t match what I felt about that scene in the story.
The five sentences above are reprised below. Following each sentence is an explanation of why the highlighted adverb isn’t needed. I've added a feature to these four: a Possible rewrite.
Enjoy.
Enjoy.
The prisoner’s hands were clamped tightly to the bars of his cell.
By definition, clamp--hold (something) tightly against or in another thing (Google)--is to apply pressure on something to hold it in place. Hold it tight. Clamping tightly is like swimming wetly. It's hard to know how to rewrite this quote without knowing the setting. Did the prisoner just learn of his/her execution date? Was the inmate in the next cell part of the reason this prisoner was incarcerated?
By definition, clamp--hold (something) tightly against or in another thing (Google)--is to apply pressure on something to hold it in place. Hold it tight. Clamping tightly is like swimming wetly. It's hard to know how to rewrite this quote without knowing the setting. Did the prisoner just learn of his/her execution date? Was the inmate in the next cell part of the reason this prisoner was incarcerated?
Possible rewrite: The prisoner's hands gripped the bars with such force that the guard was certain the inmate's fingerprints were imprinted in the metal.
The bicyclist pedaled carefully across the slightly bumpy road.
Double whammy here--two adverbs in the same sentence. I've had some trauma on bicycles. Once the front wheel came off and I was launched over the handlebars as the front fork stabbed the ground. I do know that pedaling is an up-and-down motion. A rider might need to be careful about getting trousers caught in the chain while pedaling.
How bumpy is bumpy? Is slightly bumpy more or less bumpy than rough? or uneven? Is it more bumpy than rutted?
How bumpy is bumpy? Is slightly bumpy more or less bumpy than rough? or uneven? Is it more bumpy than rutted?
Possible rewrite: The bicyclist jerked the handlebars first left, then right to avoid potholes and rocks as he pedaled across the empty field.
The teacher looked sharply at her students
I taught high school for 31 years and university classes for 13 more. I've looked at students in many ways. I've spoken sharply. I've looked "sharp"--as in dress--on occasion.
I don't recall daggers or arrows shooting from my eyes at any time.
I don't recall daggers or arrows shooting from my eyes at any time.
Possible rewrite: Tired of all the time wasting by her class, the teacher gave each of the biggest offenders her best "teacher look."
He laughed cheerily and looked at his watch.
It was not my intention to end this series with this example. It is, however, a good one to close the adverb loop. Of all the adverbs criticized in this series, this case is the easiest to justify leaving in the sentence. Maybe.
Cynical laughter and hollow laughter are never cheerful. I contend that if the reader doesn't know that the laughing character is cheery, the author needs to re-write the scene.
Cynical laughter and hollow laughter are never cheerful. I contend that if the reader doesn't know that the laughing character is cheery, the author needs to re-write the scene.
Possible rewrite: When his dinner partner finished telling her joke, he laughed before looking at his watch.
Give yourself a shot at rewriting one or more of these.
- First, think of the situation.
- Then write without an adverb.
Remember:
If your stories don’t draw your readers in, adding adverbs subtracts from even more from those stories.
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